My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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