fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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