The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
