Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
