fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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