I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
