No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
