Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
