they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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