i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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