3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
