Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
