My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
