Swine flu. Run for my life!
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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