Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
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We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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