Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
