I wish I could teleport
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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