I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
