Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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