meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
