She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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