Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
