I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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