Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
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At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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