I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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