Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
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Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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