Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there was a trapeze. enough said
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
