I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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