u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
