I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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