totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
