Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
