A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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