the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
