$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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