Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
