I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
FUCK WHALES
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