Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
