no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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