before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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