dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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