Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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