She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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