remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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