Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
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Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
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All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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