Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
