the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
