I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
