You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
