I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
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If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
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Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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