Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
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The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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