A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
