I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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