I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
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they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
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I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize